Riding the Waves Isn’t Working

I always say Ride the Waves…both happiness and sadness come and go. But the dark clouds are just hanging over me. They are heavy. Even with all I have to be grateful for – and I can rattle off a list a page long of things I am grateful for – this heavy sadness that leaves me wanting to cry just hangs on. I don’t know how to make it better.

I honestly don’t know what will help me. I thought about another round of antidepressants. But I hate them. More than feeling this bad.

I went to the ocean, to a DMB show, and had a couple days away. But it didn’t make it better. It just left me with bills I can’t pay.

So there I am…faking a smile…on a 3 miles walk/run by the ocean on a rainy day. I loved it. It was one of my favorite things to do. But it didn’t stop the sadness.

I am still waiting for some test results…hoping maybe that will help me figure out why I am so tired. Is it depression? Age? Responsibility? Exhaustion? Stress? Lack of exercise? All of the above?

I got on my spin bike…went through the motions for 27 minutes. Now the next thing is getting something to eat. I don’t have the energy to clean up if I cook.  But I’m hungry. Another internal battle just to do something that needs to be done. And I’m fat. A word I don’t like others to use – but I feel I deserve it. It can be used on me. But only me.

I’m out of control. I have never had control of my life. Every time I think I do…it seems to be taken away by my decisions. I let what other people want and need guide my life. Do I even know what I want? I know I don’t want to feel guilty anymore.

Still working on processing the breakup. Going on 9 months now since I moved. Some days it feels like it just happened. I also feel like I’m losing my friends. I am no longer a part of their day-to-day life. I’m losing touch. I know doors close. New ones open.

I don’t have any answers today. None. Not one.

Tomorrow is a new day and I will try again.

#noregrets #forwardrevolutions

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