Yesterday, I was hit hard by the reality of where I stand. It’s not different from the past. I’m here again. Wondering where is the lesson.?Most days I sit saying to myself…when will I have learned enough? When can things ease up? When….
Well, I stumbled upon some information that wasn’t necessarily meant for me to know. It was a harsh look at where I stand. There was a voice I left in Massachusetts that rang out loud in my head. It was saying “I told you so.” I saw clearly some mistakes I made. I see clearly what my place is. The message I didn’t want to accept or hear has been received.
I spent the weekend thinking…what am I going to do? Should I throw in the towel and return to MA? Under an old agreement I might not have to do much – just go back and I can hide away. I could get medical care from the state…the healthcare there is good.
I never wrote about my last experience at the doctor. Went all the way to DC…only to have the doctor call to say he wasn’t the right kind of doctor. We talked. He was kind. He saw me anyway. Tomorrow I’m going to try it again…try to see a Cardiologist that specializes in Electrophysiology. I’m going to board a train early and hope the appointment isn’t canceled when I get there. I’m going alone again so as not to disrupt anyone else’s life.
So back to my weekend…the option is to go back to MA. Or…I thought about just dropping out. Grabbing a tarp and blanket and walking away from it all. I thought about a final ending. But decided that I wasn’t ready for that decision just yet.
So I throw these ideas around in my head. And for now I just stay put. I took all I had and put it into this living arrangement. I can’t walk away with nothing unless my choice is to join the homeless. I don’t care for the cold…so I’m thinking that isn’t really going to be a good option.
I’m grateful for all I have. I am grateful for the people in my life. I’m grateful for those who tried to help me. I’m mostly grateful for N who loves me just as I am most days.
I’m sick of being misunderstood. I always have good intentions. However, they are often not seen that way. I can’t complain – it’s misinterpreted. I can’t voice my opinion – it’s misinterpreted. All my past mistakes still haunt me. I have changed – but the way people interpret me has not. They base their interpretations on my past reactions.
I am not living the life I had planned. The life I looked forward to. The life I had hoped for. There are some days I can make the best of it. As a matter of fact…I thought I was doing just that. But it all came crashing down when I realized where I stand. It appears that I am not who I thought I was. I am not doing what needs to be done until things get better even though I thought I was. I am miserable. Apparently I need to get over myself. I need to do a lot of things. One thing I know for sure: I will get distance in some way, shape, or form – even if it is only in my heart and mind.
I was born alone. I live each day alone. I will die alone. We all do.
So what’s my lesson here? Look back at my past experiences and learn from them. A few were glaring at me yesterday. I see them. I am shocked I was so oblivious to it. I can go on all day but will stop here and expand on it another day. For now, I’m going to finish this day and try to make the best of it. Relax and read. Watch a movie. Enjoy the rare time I have with no responsibilities and wish my best friend a Happy Birthday. I’m missing her party today and that’s a whole other set of emotions.
I have changed again. But I know where I stand.
One last thought: He was right.