So this tree fell on the house this week. Caused quite a bit of disruption, damage, and hassle. I am still sorting through it and calling people to come repair things. The stress probably contributed to my coming down with some sort of chest cold. I have a cough and feel generally awful. My mood included. I am riding the struggle bus. I have a lot to do. Didn’t do much of it this weekend and gave into feeling lousy. But did I relax? Not in my head.
I am struggling with mixed feelings. Loneliness. The realization that this could be it for me. I may never find the right person. I may never find peace with living. When I go out places I generally go home and pick myself apart. So I am fighting between not wanting to stay in and wanting to save myself the self destruction that follows an outing. Ridiculous and frustrating. This weekend I could have gone somewhere but ended up not feeling well – funny how that works.
Taking a look at just that – if I stay busy enough with work I don’t have time to think. I get time off then I don’t feel well – probably because of all the stress…and the tree. The tree gave in and fell over on a calm day – no rain, no wind, no reason other than it was weak, the ground was wet from all the rain, it had stood strong against many storms, and it was time to fall over. Some days…I believe I am like the tree.
Did I have any indication the tree would fall? No…just a feeling in my gut for two days prior that something was off. I had terrible anxiety for no apparent reason and I couldn’t shake it. Did I pay attention to the tree? Did I look for signs it was leaning? No. Just like most people…we don’t look close enough or take the time to look for the signs of struggle and giving up.
The tree and another were removed…and the insurance company is coming tomorrow. The damage will be repaired. No one was hurt. Do I feel bad for the trees? Yes. Do I feel bad I have contributed to two less trees on the earth. Yes. I need to plant two more.
If only I could be fixed as easy as calling someone to come over and fix me. Or remove me. That day will come of course. It does for everyone. What if I could call a therapist and they could actually fix me? I did so many years of therapy, medications, and even did ECT…and here I am – still struggling. Some things aren’t fixable. Like the tree. It couldn’t be fixed. But maybe if I had noticed, paid attention, I could have prevented it…and if I had money things would be different.
I am like the tree. Unable to be repaired on some days. Other days…I feel I am functioning well under the circumstances. I have been consistently working out again, but the depression isn’t lifting. A level of acceptance has come over me. I have accepted that this is it. I need to let go of what I want for my life. I can’t force some things.
My inner child cried and screamed this week. She said, when will someone take care of me? She is sick of trying so hard. Struggling. Adult me said, don’t be silly, you are an adult now…you are supposed to take care of yourself. My inner child isn’t healed and I don’t know how to fix her. Years of therapy didn’t do it. Exercise isn’t doing it. I am at a loss.
Some day, like the tree, I will give in and fall. I just don’t know when that day will be. Or how to prevent it. It is just life.