So it has been since September. Wow! I haven’t written here since September? A lot has happened. The new roof is on…the deck still isn’t fixed, the window is still cracked, and the outside light doesn’t work…but the roof is fixed. Thanksgiving and Christmas came and went. It’s a new year…and I’ve binge watched a few tv shows…and I started seeing a new therapist. The copay is expensive ($40 a visit!)…but I am hopeful I can manage to come up with it because I need some help.
I also had my SVT (Supra-ventricular Tachycardia) fixed with a cardiac ablation. It feels quite different. Without spending too much time on it I’ll just say that I don’t feel my heart pounding in my chest and throat anymore and I can walk up the stairs without completely losing my breath and feeling like I am going to pass out. I missed three days of work and was able to start exercising (restart again!) a week later.
I am struggling with the exercise – more to come on that another day. All I can say is starting over SUCKS!!! And I am a repeat visitor to the restart your exercise plan club. So “this time” I am trying to be realistic with manageable workouts and accepting of days when the best I can do is go through the motions.
I want to focus for a second on what brought me back here. I have a day job – like many people – and to put it simply – my day job is to help people find jobs. I hadn’t seen one particular person in about 6 months. A couple weeks ago, by phone, that person agreed to come in and see me for help finding a different job and we made the appointment for this past Monday. This person came in and sat down Monday and said, “before we do anything I have a message for you from God.” Anyone who knows me knows I am not too sure about this whole “God” thing and I am not one for organized religion. I had just the day before told two young men who came knocking at my door that I am an Atheist. Now I’m not sure I am…I am probably more an Agnostic – but I really hate strangers interrupting my Sunday pajama time – so Sunday I was Atheist. Monday, I listened – with skepticism.
This person said, “God wants you to start writing again and finish that book.” All I could say was “really?” The person went on with more detail about how my job wasn’t where I was supposed to be, I had a different purpose, there was more for me, and I had a message that needed to be heard. Something about whatever writing I was doing before, I need to get back to it. Did I mention I barely know this person – we had only met a few times to work on their job search.
Lately I’ve been full of self doubt thinking no one wants to hear what I have to say. I had just read the memoir “A Piece of Cake”. It was excellent – very long – but excellent. There were plenty of triggers. But it is written in a different style than I have. So along with the thoughts of there being no reason to tell my story, I had pretty much decided I am giving up on writing a memoir – no one will read it. I had said pretty much the same several weeks ago to a friend who asked me if I was still writing.
I’ve been deeply depressed – that sounds so dramatic and mild/sugar-coated – the fact is I’ve been so depressed there are days I don’t get dressed or wash my hair, the dishes pile up, and I just exist – and I’ve been triggered by countless things. I posted what I thought was a pretty positive first workout after heart surgery status on Facebook and was private messaged by someone cautioning me about putting negativity out into the universe and I need to be more positive. They even sent me some meditations to do. All I said was: “starting over sucks.”
This message from God came three days after my new therapist suggested I start journaling. The therapist felt it could help me document my struggles and get them out. I had been giving that serious thought all weekend. I was trying to decide whether to revisit this blog or just write a private journal on my computer in a Word document. And then I got the message.
I haven’t made a final decision. All I know is I have to type it no matter what I write because I can’t write fast enough to get it on paper.
So here it is. My part of the bargain. I did agree I would start writing again. That conversation along with everything else sure made me stop and think. I’m not sure anymore. But I guess for now I’ll keep writing.