Friday

That’s my version of a semi-colon (look up the Project Semicolon). Also a tribute to my dog Gadget who left life in 2015. Her memory is becoming distant. Like others who have died. The memories are real, yet unreal. The paw print is the dot, the comma is a “G”. When I was at my worst, she was by my side. She liked to lay up against my legs or under the covers. Close but not too close. She was moody like me. But we were a team.

It’s Friday. Here I am left with my thoughts for the weekend. No energy to go try to meet people. It’s snowing. It’s cold. I need sun and spring.

I feel frustrated today. I came home from work and wasted too much time on Facebook. Scrolling through others posts trying to somehow connect with the outside world without the commitment of being around people. Now it is late and I didn’t workout.  And…here is my old friend self-hatred.

My thoughts are jumping all over the place tonight.

I’m mad at myself for giving in to my emotional eating and gaining back the 50lbs I lost. Now what? If I go back to visit friends in Massachusetts and run into certain people they will laugh at my slide backwards. I can’t run like I used to – something that I really felt good about when I was doing it.

I keep the vicious self-talk and self-hatred to myself. I think I’ll open a Word document and just type it to get it out of my head. I would never say what I say to myself to another person.

Gadget. My dog. She was one of the most consistent things in my life. I had my grandfather and mother until I was 11. Then I moved around after that. So to have a dog for 17 years…that was pretty much the longest consistent relationship I had. I miss her. I can’t replace her. I can’t bring myself to get another pet.

So tonight, I’m going to give up on doing anything and give in to the depression. I am going to get under the blankets, try to read a book, and wake up tomorrow and start over.

Not sure how to fix my broken parts. Tomorrow I will be productive.


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