Not sure what I was thinking…I have so many things to say…
I got a conditional acceptance to a Masters of Social Work program, missed a deadline for Field Placement I don’t have time for, got a new job offer, left my old job, started the new job, have a Biology class to take before I start the Masters program, and got a puppy in addition to all the day-to-day things I need to do. I’ve left things out…but I’m overwhelmed. Too much at one time.
The puppy is like having an infant. I sleep less than I already did…and I was struggling before. I don’t even have to worry about her all day because my daughter takes care of her while I’m at work. So what is my problem?
This is all positive stuff…so why have I been so snappy and want to cry? But can’t.
I’m feeling like it was too much. I spent three days trying to get the back lawn cleaned up. I’m out of shape. I do very little physical stuff anymore so cleaning the lawn was a chore. Oh..forgot to mention – my car needs work but I rescheduled my appointment today because there was a half marathon going on down there…and my friends (former running buddies in MA) ran the local half up there. I am angry at myself because I haven’t kept up the running. I had too many health issues and responsibilities. I thought – THOUGHT – I was ok with not running anymore. I thought I had decided that being this heavy was ok – that I needed to accept it and do that positive body image thing.
Well, it ain’t workin’. I’m pissed off.
I can’t do it all. I can’t have a puppy, go to school, take care of N while my daughter works, work full-time, and all the rest of the stuff that goes along with being an adult. I say I can’t…but I still think I need to figure out how to do it. I have been trying to get things organized here. Get rid of stuff that is bringing bad energy. I have two bags of clothes in the trunk of my car I had intended to give someone…but haven’t.
I’m skipping all over – too much time has passed. I need to do better writing things down. Then I ask – what’s the point?
Look at that puppy’s face…she reminds me of Gadget – the companion, love of my life I had to put down in 2015.
I want to stop being angry. I hate being angry. I’m sick of not enjoying anything.
Wow…this is really negative.
What are my plans?
- I emailed the college to ask what to do about the field placement
- Let the puppy out (house-training)
- Take deep breaths
- Reassess my after work schedule tomorrow after I login and see what the Biology class looks like
- Remember that I have been in bad places before and got out
- Do yoga starting tomorrow
I’ve been reading a book on Trauma…this anger is not abnormal. I’m not surprised. The book recommended yoga (several weeks before you see results).
Three (more really) things I’m grateful for:
- running water & electricity
- my kids & grandson
The stuff I’m complaining about is nothing I can’t resolve. I’m going to bed…Tomorrow is another day. Week 2 at the new job. Oh…and I have to get up an hour earlier now.